When I was pregnant with my oldest, Luke, I was a true first time mom, dreaming of a natural water birth, peaceful evenings cuddling with my baby, baths filled with bubbles and yellow ducks... But I was also afraid of the unknown. So I wrote a letter to my baby, around my due date, true to my expectations. (Before I move into bragging about my kids in the next posts I thought it would be a good idea to open a small window and brag about myself too. My great idea of writing a letter to my baby, my emotional connection to my baby, my mother instincts... Oh, it feels so good to brag about myself, I could get used to this...)
"As I wait
I write as I fear. Fear the unexpected to come. I am pregnant; about to have a baby. My first. I have never gone through this experience before. It is not a familiar one, not for me as a person, to see my body producing another. Giving life to someone whom I have never met, part of me, part of himself. My son is about to be introduced to me. Are we going to be friends? Bone of bone, flesh of flesh? I don't know. Time will tell. And time scares me as all I can do is wait.
So many doubts, so many dreams. A son can be someone's biggest project in life. One you are so proud about, or maybe not. He comes with the right to be loved, cared and longed for. He will rely on us to lead him to the best pathway, happiness and success in life. He will expect us to be his super hero, perfect example, leading star. One day he will learn the truth. That we as parents are just someone else's babies. Expecting to be loved, cared and longed for.
As I sit and wait, all that I can do is write. The bag is ready to go to the hospital. The nursery smells new, like the store's stand except the tags. Everything has been planned for. Researched, calculated, opined. I became a baby product specialist, knowing from the best baby's brands to diaper's unbeatable sales. The book “What to expect when you are expecting” has being explored cover to cover. But there is still silence. Silence in the nursery, silence in the house. Silence to write.
I can feel him. Touching me inside out. Tasting my blood in his body. Feeling my emotions in his skin. He will keep everything a secret. Between us. Until the day he forgets about this life. The one inside me. And we will both pretend that we have always being two separate beings. Just family, but never one.
Tomorrow is full moon, tomorrow the waves in the ocean will change. Maybe tomorrow will change my life. Maybe it will take the unexpected away, the silence away, the nursery smell away. Will bring life to a new life and love to a new being. Tomorrow everything could change. Change forever. For me and for my son. And even in fear, tonight the best I can do is to welcome tomorrow with my words."